High Five for Friday!

The beginning of this week was pretty stressful for me at work. I've been feeling a little overwhelmed, but after Wednesday I got caught up. Thank goodness! Then, after my dream about Layla, I can't get her off my mind. I must just be going though another part of the 'process'. Eight months. I remember it like it was yesterday. The pain is still there. It's not a sharp pain. More of an ache and a yearning for those memories. She is in every one of my thoughts. Literally, always on my mind. No matter what I'm doing.

Let's just say, I'm glad it's Friday! I'm doing a wedding tomorrow for a co-worker/friend. Kylie is spending the day at my Aunt & Uncle's lake house with my sister's family. Crimson's coming on Sunday after church and I'm taking Monday off. We can't wait!

Here are my top 5!

1. Kylie and I went for a run on Saturday after her nap. We didn't realize it was so hot! After 25 min, we were just about home and saw the ice cream truck! Best. Reward. Ever.

2. I had to work on Tuesday, but Bryan sent me this pic as she was leaving for Milwaukee with Uncle Adam & Staci. It sounds like they had a great time. Bryan & I are grateful that Kylie is so flexible. I don't think she missed us at all.

3. We picked her up in Sheboygan. On the way home, we stopped for gas just before a terrible storm came through. We hung out in the car and waited for the storm to pass. It was fun to hear all about her trip while we watched the lightning. Another great family memory to put in the books.

4. Cookies from the hospital for breakfast on Thursday! (We got a cookie at all of Layla's appointments.)

5. My grandparent's were in Green Bay and stopped to visit last night. Before they came, Kylie wanted to put on a pretty dress & have her hair in a braid. Here, they're saying good-bye. I was so happy with Kylie. She was very sweet, cuddly, quiet and gentle. I love observing my grandparents. You can see that they cherish every moment. I want to be like that.

Happy Friday, everyone! If I could add another pic, it would be of my shirt today. It's raining & gloomy so I'm wearing a comfy long sleeve cream/navy blue striped shirt. So cozy. Enjoy your weekend!

Last Night's Dream

I had a dream last night about Layla. I can't remember if that's happened to me before. Maybe while I was pregnant, but not since I had her. You would think that my dream would have been about her being with us. Holding her and feeding her. Seeing her with Bryan & Kylie. But it wasn't.

(my dream)
I was at a wedding reception with my sister & mom. I was 32 weeks pregnant with Layla. We were dancing and having fun. I sat down next to them after a song was over and put my hand on my belly. I could feel Layla moving around. Not a solid kick like with Kylie. Suddenly, I looked at Sarah & asked, "When was my last appointment?" She told me it was at 26 weeks. I freaked out because I needed to hear her heartbeat. It had been 6 weeks since I had an apt and I just had to go in. 

I woke up.  I don't know what happened after that. I think it's interesting that even in my dream, we knew her diagnosis. It's not like I was having a dream about a different baby or a healthy Layla.

I'm sure I could analyze it all day, but in all reality, I just miss her. And the truth is, I do just want to hear her heartbeat again or feel her in my tummy. It will be eight months on Sunday, since she was born.

I've been a little stressed at work, and working a lot more than I should. I haven't had as much time to think about her. My dream was a nice break from reality. A reminder about the thing that really matters. Family.

"...too slow." High Five

Remember doing that! "Up high, down low, too slow." It's one of those things that works from kids to adults. Too funny.

Anyway...high five! Sorry my post is a day late. I need to start doing it like all the big bloggers and schedule it on Thursday to come out Friday morning. Maybe next week. This we was super busy for all of us. Bryan is still trying to feel better. It's been really rough for us financially, which creates some stress. It's a busy time for my work, too.

We had Fine Arts last week at our church. It's kind of like VBS, but the kids take artsy classes. Kylie was able to go this year and I taught a class with my co-worker. I'm not a huge fan of teaching a class of 11 twelve year old boys. In the words of one of the volunteers, "Serving isn't about doing what you want. It's about being used wherever you're needed." Well said. We all got through it. The video turned out cool. It was a ninja video. Props to Tim & Don who did a ton of work with the kids while I ran around getting pictures and footage for the highlight video. I finished the video just in time for the performance last night. Phew! 

How could I almost forget? On Tuesday, Staci drove through from Shawano. We met her at David's Bridal to try on flower girl dresses. Kylie LOVED it!!! She was so happy the whole time. I think she really enjoyed every second of it. Of course, her favorite part was the high heels (which she kept on the entire time). And, the 'twirl test'. She walked on the mini stage and had fun with all the mirrors. I think we found a dress, but we haven't ordered it yet. I should do that soon, since the wedding is in October.

 Here are my top 5 for this week!

1. We met up with Sarah & the family on Sunday at the Resch Aquatic Center. It was so hot, but a great start to the week! (It didn't feel like we were in Green Bay. I'm sure we'll go back again this summer. The kids loved the slides!)

2 Here's your sneak peek! This isn't the dress, but you can see how much fun she had in this picture. This one had the best twirl rating.

Silly fun with Auntie Staci.

3. Shooting the Ninja Film and being a part of Fine Arts. Over 450 kids, age 4 through 8th grade & 150 volunteers!

4. Kylie loves to run. So, she's been helping me get ready for another 5K. We have a fun app on my phone that she likes to use. It tells us when to walk/run. (Couch to 5K - same program I used in 2010, but now there's a nifty app.)

5. I love her. This was from Thursday night. I was exhausted and she was entertaining me. 

We really had a great busy week. Kylie was so good. I went out to eat a little too much just for convenience sake. Back to the normal schedule this week. Enjoy what's left of your weekend!

High Five for Friday

**Warning - lots of pictures! **

Happy Friday, everyone! What a fun week we had. Well, aside from the fact that Bryan has mono. I'm super bummed that he's been sick. I'm forcing him to sleep & take off some work. Hoping he'll get better quickly!

This is my high five post, but the week was so fun, I'm including a bunch of pics. Emily & the family were visiting. I would have loved to post a couple times this week, but I worked too much (45 hours, a lot for me). 

My top five this week:

1. Sunday, Emily & Brook, Isabelle & Lucienne arrived at mom & dads. We all went over for pizza & fun. My parents got us a fire pit for our anniversary. Can't wait to use it!

2. Monday, mom took Kylie to Shawano with everyone. Bryan worked & when I was finished I went over for a cookout. It was nice to have all the kids and grand kids together. Sarah & Chad have the perfect yard for entertaining! 

3. Tuesday, after work, just Emily & Izzy came over for supper. We had a girls night at Bay Beach. Me, Em, Izzy & Kylie. (I shouldn't share this, but a weeknight at 7 is the best time to go!) The girls loved it!

4. I love my job. As much work as it was this week, it was great. We recorded shows Mon, Tues & Wed 8:30-5. But I had to go to church before & after that. They were very long days and I was exhausted by the time I got to be home with Kylie. But, I truly love this job.

5.  On Thursday, Kylie & I got back into our routine of walks before bed. I didn't realize how much I missed that time with her. I'm working on another 5K. I did one in August of 2010 and loved it. I stopped running when I was pregnant with Layla. Kylie loves to run, so we're training together. 

Friday's Date Night. Cedar Planked Salmon. So good!

Cinnamon Roll Waffles Saturday morning. Love Pintrest!

Finally bought Kylie some scissors. She's pretty good. 

Cousins finally reunited. Playing at Wickert's on Sunday night. 

Hanging out with Grandpapa in their jammies. 

Shawano on Monday. Me & Ben - as usual. :)

Me & Lucienne - always smiling!

Playing with Uncle Brook. 

Jack, driving the kids around the yard. He loved it!

Bay Beach on Tuesday. 

Izzy, Kylie, Me & Emily

Cotton Candy treat!

High Five, Folks!

Yes, it's Friday today!

This week was so weird. Tuesday felt like Friday. Wednesday seemed like Saturday. Thursday was a Monday. So confusing. In case you were confused, today is Friday.

What a fun week it was! It seems I've been posting a lot this week. I shared some pics from the weekend already. Here are my top five:

1. Sunday was so fun. I love getting together with Bryan's family in Oshkosh. The park was huge. Bryan, Kylie & I all walked through this huge castle-like thing. It was so relaxing & nice to get out of Green Bay!

2. Every summer, my workplace has the ice cream truck visit us at work. On Tuesday, we had a cook out and got treats. Unfortunately, I was working out of the office when the truck came, but my friend grabbed me a Mrs. Fields cookie ice cream sandwich. I'm eating in in pieces since the whole thing is 450 calories!!

3. Oh, the Fourth of July! Bryan had to work so Kylie & I spent the entire day with Sarah & the family. As we all know, it was super hot! We watched the Bonduel parade, which was really a good parade! We set up a tent & stayed in the shade. Went back to their place for lunch and naps. Took the boat out on Shawano Lake to swim at the sand bar. Picked up a pizza just off the channel & ate on the boat during the sunset. It was perfect. All the kids were great, as usual.

4. Grandma Roxy came over yesterday & brought Kylie a new swimsuit. It's from Gymboree & is so cute. They even tested it out just before bed in the Dora sprinkler. Thanks Grandmama!

5. Bryan works until 7:30 tonight so we planned a late night dinner date. It's been a while since we've gone out without Kylie. Hoping we can have some good conversation without interruptions!

I'm going to try not to work tomorrow, since it is my day 'off'. Next week will be pretty busy. We're  recording the show three days in a row. Not much time off. Looking forward to a couple nights of visiting with Emily! She & the family will be in town for the week.

Have a nice weekend. Enjoy the cool-er weather!

"The Hurt & The Healer"

I wrote this after my last post. It could go on and on. 

If we would have lost her then...
I would not have had to feel so much.
I would not have learned true selflessness.
I would not have been uncomfortable.
I would not have been so connected to her life.
I would not have seen her beautiful face more than ten times.
Or heard her heartbeat every week.
I would not have met many wonderful people.
I would not have pictures of my whole family.
I would not have held her tiny warm body.
I would not hurt as much.
I would not have loved so much.

I heard this song on the radio on Tuesday.

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Hurt and The Healer - Mercy Me

"Why? The healing doesn't come from the explained." I feel like an answer would be enough for me, but I'm sure it wouldn't. There's probably not a one word answer, or one name answer. There will be a day when "all our scars are understood, and all these questions fade away". I've never heard a song with lyrics like this. That explains the hurt. It's not another cheesy, everything is great song. It talks about the pain & not understanding things that happen. Leaning on Him and trusting that He will pull you through. My new favorite.

Thanks for letting me pour out my thoughts and stuff. I'm glad I started this blog when I did. It's been a great outlet for me. 

One Year Ago...

It was a year ago today, that we went into the ER for Layla. I was only 10 weeks. I had just started working at church and had a crazy busy morning at the Patriotic Service. I was also working at the bank at the time. Bryan and I went out for dinner. That night, I woke up in so much pain. I couldn't even stand up. We called the nurse line and were told to go into the ER. I think it was around 11pm. Kylie was sleeping, so our in-laws came over to sit while Kylie slept.

I was sobbing. I thought we had lost our baby. (At this time, we didn't know anything about Layla. We didn't even know the gender.) I remember Bryan and I were praying over and over again. I was thinking this could not happen to us. We were so excited about our baby.

My mom & dad met us at the ER. Of course it felt like forever before we had the ultrasound. We had to check-in and go through the whole process. Finally, they brought in the little portable ultrasound machine. We couldn't hear the heartbeat, but we saw it. Oh, the relief! I looked at Bryan and mom with tears. We were so happy. We knew the baby was okay. I praised God for everything. I thought, everything will be okay. The pain was instantly taken away when I knew our baby was still alive.

I left an hour or so later with papers that read "Threatened Miscarriage" and orders to lay low for a few days. It was the day before the Fourth of July. Bryan stayed home with me to make sure I didn't do anything. It was a pretty boring holiday last year.

I am a little emotional this week. Thinking of this day last year, when I thought we lost our baby. Little did I know, that was the beginning of a long journey. Layla's pregnancy was sustained by prayer. I truly believe that the 'threatened miscarriage' was God's way of preparing us. Showing us that through prayer and faith in Him, we could get through it. He showed us that day, that He was with us. He was so real to us when we saw her heartbeat. That was just the beginning of relying on Him even more than we already did. Putting it all in His hands.

It's so hard to look back & remember that feeling, the sigh of 'our baby is okay'. Because, now, I know that she's not here. There was a reason that we did not lose her that night. I keep reminding myself that there is a reason. I have know idea what it is. Why didn't we lose her that night?

I have so much more to say. So many conversations and posts can come out of that one question. Why didn't we lose her? In the end, we did. What happened to me and to those around me in those nine months? Who's heart did God touch through Layla? My question is not a question of "Poor me. Why did this happen to me?". I want to know the purpose. God's plan. What was He doing through this situation? Why didn't we lose her that night?

I pray that I will know why someday. I know that there is a reason. Everything happens for a reason.

Family Weekend

Well, Friday was the 29th and I didn't feel like "High Five"ing anything. Actually, I ran out of time. Too busy enjoying the afternoon with Kylie. My parents came over for dinner. I've been trying all sorts of things from Pintrest. I made a pretty good meal, with cheesecake stuffed strawberries for dessert! I never cook. (I bake.) So I was proud of myself. Bryan was off this weekend. Saturday morning, Kylie went to grandma's so we could hang out without her. We went to the farmer's market, strolled downtown Green Bay, and got lunch. While Bryan & my dad installed our window A/C, mom, me & Kylie got our nails done! It was Kylie's first time getting a mani/pedi. She did great & loved it!

After work on Sunday morning, we went to Oshkosh for a Gruse family get together. We all met up at a park for a picnic. All the kids played on the huge playground while the adults talked. It was really relaxing. Bryan's grandparent's have passed & they have a bench in the park. Here are some pics we took on their bench.

I tried taking a good pic of the three of us...

...they're always being silly.

On the way home we stopped in Appleton. We did a little shopping & had dinner at Fratello's. We always love shopping together.

She begged for the purse and glasses; we couldn't pass up the sale. She's so spoiled. I guess that's what happens with one child!

So, it was a great weekend! Bryan works everyday this week. Not quite sure what we'll do on the 4th. We've been loving this hot weather. We've been outside as much as we can. I know we'll be missing it in a few months.

Enjoy your Monday!