Kylie May

Kylie May

Layla Faith

Layla Faith

Zoey Noelle

Zoey Noelle


Our baby boy, due March 16th.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Moving Forward with Intention

I've been feeling restless. Eager to do more. To excel. To prove my worth. I've applied for jobs, thought of having a baby, painting my living room, a dog & most seriously starting school.

What is it that I'm missing? Why am I searching for a distraction? I need something to occupy my mind. Will I always feel this void?

Don't get me wrong. I love my family. I love my job. I'm happy. I'm content.

Maybe this is my midlife crisis. I'm almost 30. There's gotta be something more. I feel the need to contribute in a way. To something bigger than me.

Why suddenly? Probably because things have slowed down enough to allow me time to think. It's easy to be "too busy" to think/plan/execute for your own life. Much easier to do it for big projects at work. But when that's over or the job & daily grind is stripped away, what's left?

Part of me thinks I'll always feel this way. There is something...someone missing. Layla's 3rd birthday came & went (with no blog post). We had a family celebration & of course celebrated her life. But the ripple from her 3rd birthday continues in my desire to use her story, my story, for something bigger. Bigger than me.

So, a toast. A toast to becoming more. Not different. Or someone else. Just living to the fullest. Really living a raw, honest, real life. Humble and vulnerable. Brave & courageous. Not looking back at mistakes I've made or things I could have done better. Moving forward. With intention. Discovering my purpose and the reason for my story. Using the storm to show others that there is a rainbow somewhere.

"We want something more. We hope there is more. But we are all afraid that hope is selfish. But what if. What if the things you love to do collided with the plans GOD had laid out from before the foundations of earth."- Jennie Allen, author of Restless

Thursday, October 09, 2014

I Know the Pain of a Heart Break

I realize that I haven't posted in a very long time. Since the beginning of the month, I've been wanting to write a post to recognize that October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

This was proclaimed in October of 1988 by President Reagan, "When a child loses his parent, they are called and orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn't a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the US and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes."

Sadly, I think it's safe to say that we all know at least one person who has had to experience the loss of a child (aside from me). Join me in taking few minutes for a quick prayer for comfort and understanding. For renewed faith in these homes. To turn to God despite the terrible storm that they've endured. Recognize that these children were on purpose.

Some of you may have heard of the "bucket list baby" story floating around Facebook. I believe it gained popularity because they knew their baby had a poor diagnosis and made the most of it by documenting all of the fun things they did with Baby Shane in mom's belly. What a sweet idea!

I saw this story on my news feed many many times. Again today, as Baby Shane was born early this morning and passed shortly after. Over the last month or so, I skipped over the story many times. I think out of my desire for ignorance. I wish, so badly, that I didn't know those feelings. But, I know them all too well. They are so real to me still.

I've written about this picture a couple times. This picture speaks a million words to me. I have a feeling that every mom who has lost a child has 'this picture'. A picture that portrays so many feelings that cannot be described. A picture that causes waves of emotion each time you look at it. Just knowing those feelings that you had in that moment. This is the picture of my heart break.

This picture was taken moments after the Dr. checked Layla's heart beat.

To all the moms who have lost a child. Please know this, "You didn’t choose this. You didn’t want this to happen. You didn’t do anything wrong. It just happened. To you. Despite your begging, pleading, praying, hoping against all hope it would not. Even though everything within you was screaming no, no, no, no, no."
 - Angela Miller, You Are the Mother of All Mothers

I know the pain of a heart break. I know your pain of your heart break.