Kylie May

Kylie May

Layla Faith

Layla Faith

Zoey Noelle

Zoey Noelle


Our baby boy, due March 16th.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Another Missed Milestone

It's been six months since Layla Faith was born. I can't help but think of how cute she would be. Rolling over, sitting up, and smiling with her perfect lips. (I always thought they looked like Kylie's.) I'm sad that she's not here with us. Our family would be so different with her here. And it is different because she was here. I don't need to write about that. This entire blog is about how she has changed our faith, family, relationships, etc.

I'll give you a little insight to my world. I rented We Bought A Zoo the other night. Kylie was sleeping on my lap & Bryan was at work. I cried through the whole thing. If you've ever had to grieve the loss of a very close loved one, you'll know what I mean. The way the main character (Matt Damon) felt & the things he did were almost exactly how I feel. The fear of forgetting her. Sitting down to look at pictures of her. Holding on to the blankie she was wrapped in. Smiling because of her memories. Reliving the moments. Telling the stories. Thinking that a new place would help me move on. A new adventure, a renewed purpose would pass the time & consume my thoughts. I don't want to forget her, but I feel like I need to move forward.

Her footprints remind me that she was really here. With ten fingers & ten toes. Tiny arms & legs. A cute little face & lots of hair. Did I ever say we cut a piece of her hair? We saved it in a Ziploc bag with her things. A pink bag sits on top of our dresser with her belongings. Someday I'll go through it and decide how save it. I have an awesome frame that I'm going to use for her pictures. It's something I want done so badly, but it's something that will take me a while to figure out. Trying to pick out pictures and make the perfect collage.

I told Kylie it's Layla's 6 month birthday this morning. She asked if she could go to her party. So innocent. We both wore our Layla necklaces today.

Six months have passed. In some ways it feels so recent. I remember many details from that Tuesday. Two of the silliest things always come to mind. Things that don't matter at all! 1.) I didn't like what Kylie was wearing to school. I remember Bryan telling me, "It's just for school. Who cares? Let her wear it." Funny that it was one of the most important days in our life. She was wearing that in the only pictures with her little sister. 2.) My mom got me a cookie to eat before my 9am appointment. I loved the cookies from the cafeteria and got one at every appointment. That cookie was the reason we waited until 4 to have Layla. We had to answer the "When is the last time you ate?" question a lot that day. We answered with a little chuckle each time. "A cookie at 9."

It's funny that I remember those little details. Things that don't matter in the grand scheme of things. Look at everything else that happened that day. Our life was changed.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Always Busy

We had such a fun & busy weekend! Kylie May had her dance recital & it was Bryan's birthday! I was super busy with making a video for her recital as well as setting up to record it. Thursday night set up, Friday night rehearsal, recital & b-day party on Saturday.

I was so proud of Kylie. Compared to her recital in December, she was so focused. Concentrating so much that her tongue was sticking out for parts of the dance.  Grandmas, aunties & cousins came to watch. After the recital & desserts, we had a cook-out at our house for Bryan's b-day. The kids had fun playing outside in our big yard. They're all old enough that we can just sit around & watch them play. It's great!

I took yesterday afternoon of & spent some quality time with Kylie. When I work all day or too many days in a row, I forget how awesome she is. I'm at the end of my rope by the time I get home & I'm not patient like I should be. But yesterday, I got home at noon and played with her all day. She is getting so old. She knows what she wants and is very independent. It's so enjoyable to just watch her. I love her imagination & flexibility. I am grateful for this time, that I'm able to spend with her & focus just on her. No other distractions. Although, someday, I hope she can help me with a little one.

Kylie still mentions Layla every few days. I don't remember the exact context, but we were talking about a friend and her sisters/brothers. Kylie added, "we have a sister but we need to have another one to stay at our house".


Here's a picture of her dancing next to her bestie :)

and the video I made for the recital (one of my most favorite projects to date)

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Belated Mother's Day Post

Happy Belated Mother's Day to all you moms out there. I want to start by saying thank you to everyone who was thinking of me on Sunday. I can't believe that there are even customers of Starbucks that were thinking of my family on Mother's Day. People I've never met. I pray that our story is touching their life somehow. That we are the emanating the light & love of God.

I am so blessed to be the mom of Kylie May & Layla Faith. We had a perfect day on Sunday. I got a beautiful necklace with the birthstones of my girls, cards and a surprise picnic. We ended the day with s'mores at Bryan's parents. I am lucky to be able to be a mom to Kylie every day. It reminds how precious my time was with Layla.

Last year, on Mother's Day, we told Bryan's parents that we were pregnant (with Layla). I carried her for 34 weeks. I am so happy & proud that I was able to be her mom for so long. I don't regret any of my decisions. She had my heart from the day we found out we were pregnant. Through the day we had a 'threatened miscarriage' to the day we learned of her diagnosis. We held her warm body in our arms while she breathed her last breathes.

I heard this song on the radio on Mother's Day. There's no one way to describe the feeling and the honor of being a mom. Kylie & Layla have all of me.

Afraid to love, something that could break. 
Could I move on, if you were torn away?
And I'm so close, to what I can't control.
I can't give you half of my heart, 
and pray He makes you whole. 

You're gonna have all of me. 
You're gonna have all of me. 
'Cuz you're worth every falling tear. 
You're worth facing any fear. 
You're gonna have all my love. 
Even if it's not enough,
to mend our broken hearts. 
But giving you all of me, is where I'll start. 

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms. 
I won't let pain keep you from my heart. 
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose. 
For every moment I share with you. 

Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak. 
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me. 
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed.
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me. 

Friday, May 11, 2012

High Five for Friday

I'm joining a few blogs I follow & starting a new series. High Five for Friday is chance to stop and reflect on my five favorite things from the past week. A friendly reminder to praise God for the little & the big things in life.

1. Relaxing on Saturday at Bryan's parents. Kylie always has fun there!

2. Girl time! Staci & I got our toes & nails done. It was great to finally talk wedding details with her. :)

3. The sky on Tuesday night was amazing! Kylie & I were out running errands at stopped a few times in awe of God's creation. (Always reminds me of Layla.)

4. So grateful that I can be a working mom & have the ability to go on field trips with Kylie May. We went to Mulberry Lane Farm on Wednesday. Kylie loved all of the animals. Here she is, holding a 2 day old goat!

5. Breakfast with Mom. Celebration Academy is the best! They had a special morning breakfast this morning celebrating Mother's Day. The kids made bracelets for the moms & gave us flowers. :)

So, High Five for Friday. What a fun week! Enjoy your weekend!


Friday, May 04, 2012

I'm Back. I Cried. I Miss Her.

Well, it's been a while. Feels good to be back on the blog. I'll start by letting you all know, that we're doing well. Nothing major going on. I started working even more hours. So, the time that I am home I enjoy with Kylie (and Bry if he's off). As a family, we're paying better attention to how we spend our time. Turning off the tv. Putting our phones down. Playing outside. Golfing. Painting nails. Baking cookies. My blogging has been on the back burner. But, I have missed it. I always have things to write. Thanks for coming back to check in on us. :)

Our vacation to Florida was perfect. I can honestly say that looking back, there's nothing we would have done differently. The kids were really good in the car and while we were in Florida. It was pretty relaxing. No, we did not do Disney! We were in Jacksonville spending time visiting my sister. Spent a lot of time outside in the gorgeous weather & spent a day at the beach! I would say my favorite time of the entire trip was every night after the kids were sleeping (which took a while sometimes). All eight of us adults would go outside for drinks & talking. I could get used to that. Overall, I loved it. I think we all loved it. (Even Bryan)

My emotions got me a couple times. At home, it's just me, Kylie & Bryan. There are moments that get sad, but it was a lot harder on the trip. My nephew, Ben, is only one week younger than Layla would be. Everything made me miss Layla. Everything.

My Love Song for Layla came on the radio on the way down. It just happened to be around nine; a time that is stuck in my head because that's when she left. I cried...

We arrived in Florida the next night. All of the kids were awake. Even the babies. I met Lucienne for the first time. My sisters & I were supposed to have our babies at the same time. Luci was born a couple weeks before Layla. Seeing her & Ben together was hard. I cried...

We went to a picture place to have pictures of the kids. It's not often that we're all together. You can imagine the challenge of 6 kids at a picture place (ages 4.5yr, 3.5yr, two 3yr, two 5 months). Kylie did not cooperate for the pics, but they turned out okay. From the second we left to head to the picture place, I tried to be so strong. I knew it would be hard. I tried so much to hold it together. I did okay until the photographer started talking. I was the mom with "only one kid". "Well, since you just have one..." It stung every time she said that. I cried...

...and it felt good. Layla would have been 5 months on 4/29. She was born at 4:29. Our room number was 429. I think it felt good to cry because I haven't in a while. I also think that's part of the reason I've been avoiding the blog. It forces me to think about Layla. I think I've said this before, but I think about Layla all the time. When I write a blog, it consumes me. I cry. It gives me quiet time to remember her, to think about her life, the time that I carried her. Often times, I open up iPhoto to look at our pictures from her birthday. It's time for me to spend with her. I don't ever get that.

She would have been 5 months on Sunday. I came home from work to flowers all over the house from Bryan. Bright summery flowers & candy. He knows me well. It was nice to have the house happy when it could have easily been sad.

We had some storms the other day. Kylie came home from school telling me that the angels are bowling. She said that Layla is bowling in heaven. She went on, "Layla is crying, mom. She's crying because she misses you. Like you miss her. But I don't miss her anymore.".

Sometimes I miss her more than other times. Our family is not complete. I miss her. A lot.