Kylie May

Kylie May

Layla Faith

Layla Faith

Zoey Noelle

Zoey Noelle


Our baby boy, due March 16th.

Monday, February 27, 2012

A Song from Kylie May

Kylie has been so sweet the past couple days. Maybe it's because she was sick & cuddly. I remember when she'd call me 'mommy' and then as she got older it changed to 'mom' and she sounded like a teenager. Now, she just started to call me 'mama'. Sometimes said in her soft voice & often times in her whiny tone. No matter what or how she calls me, I love hearing her call out to me. When I think of things I love so much about Kylie, I think of missing them with Layla.

Kylie's been talking/remembering Layla a lot lately. She says that her favorite color is blue. I wore a blue sweater yesterday and when she saw me she said, "I like your blue sweater. Thank you for wearing that. It's Layla's favorite color! I love pink."

The other day, I was doing my hair & she was singing in our bedroom to the tune of Frere Jacque. I wrote out her lyrics if you can't understand her. (Pardon the grammar.)

Layla didn't come here for long long time
All day long
I don't know where's Layla.
I don't know where's Layla.
Her at Jesus.
Her at heaven.
Her at heaven, her at heaven. 
I miss Layla. I love Layla.

I miss Layla. I love Layla. 

Saturday, February 25, 2012

How Can I Keep From Singing?

His favor lasts a lifetime. The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter. I am about to burst with song. I can't keep quiet about You. God, my God, I can't thank you enough. (Psalm 30:4 & 12 The Message)

I put the above as my Facebook status the other day. It had been a really good day. I was feeling God's favor on us with our upcoming move and a new/additional job! We're so anxious to move into our new place. I can't believe we get the keys on Wednesday already.

My days are such a roller coaster. One day I can be feeling fabulous, and the next I could be upset about anything. Probably just part of the 'process'. As Layla's 3 month birthday is approaching, I'm thinking of her more and more. That, and I have a couple close friends/family with new babies, so she's always on my mind.

I find it ironic or something, that this year there is a 29th in February. Back to the numbers that are stuck in my head. We had Layla on 11-29-11 at 4:29pm. Our room number was #429.

I attended a baby baptism at a Catholic church a few weeks ago. One of the songs they sang was the old hymn "How Can I Keep Fron Singing?" I always love singing a good hymn. They are so raw, simple, and old fashion. They seem so genuine. The words are so formal. I loved the lyrics.

What though the darkness gather round!
Songs in the night He giveth: 
No storm can shake my inmost calm 
While to that refuge clinging; 
Since Christ is Lord of Heav’n and earth, 
How can I keep from singing?

I love the way the Message Bible phrases Psalm 30:4. "The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter." It's so true. While I was pregnant with Layla, I feel like I rarely had a good night's sleep. Every night I slept with a tear-soaked pillow. The good days are beginning to out number the bad/sad. The 29th is coming up fast for me. I feel like it will be hard for some reason.

Kylie has been talking about Layla a lot this week. Maybe Bry & I are talking about her more. I'll share a super cute song she sang to me today in my next post. 

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I always think of things to write and then I don't. Maybe after the move, I'll make time for it. I really do love sharing my thoughts. Thanks for checking in on us and thinking of us & remembering Layla. Bryan sends me texts from work that say, "miss u 3". (Me, Kylie & Layla) I LOVE it! :)

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Something's Missing

I have so much to say. I feel like I should organize my thoughts before I start, but I'll just start writing. I like being busy. I think it's good for me. If I'm not doing something or keeping my mind busy, I'll just think about things. This tends to happen on my long days at work. When I am doing things that don't take much thought. My mind wanders and I think of everything I miss. My friends in Stevens Point, the days when life was easy, my family. And everything, in my mind, that should have been. There's this void. I feel like somethings missing. I carried Layla for 34 weeks and then she was just gone. It's like I'm waiting for something to happen. For more things to do and things to change. I have always said that I like change. I do, to a point. I like new and exciting things. I like the excitement and the rush of being busy. I like the challenge of new projects. To be honest, I think what I'm really missing and what I want so badly is the change and excitement of having a little baby at home. We're ready for the challenge. We were ready a year ago when we got pregnant with Layla. 

Through Layla, God has taught me faith. Now, He's teaching me patience. It's hard for me to wait. I don't know what I'm waiting for. Only God knows what's in the works.

I almost forgot. I don't know who reads this blog. So some of you know this already. We got the duplex! We signed the papers this morning & are moving in the beginning of March. I think it'll be really good for us. Lots more space, in a nice neighborhood, and a great yard! 

This weekend we're going on a family weekend vacation with Bryan's family to Wisconsin Dells. These family things make me miss Layla more. I want more memories with her. Kylie was so ready to go tonight but we're leaving after school tomorrow. I found her like this in her room. 

Not a care in the world. Her mind is totally on the water park! Love it. 

Happy weekend everyone! Enjoy your family. Thank God for all the little things in your life. 

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Even if He Doesn't...

I didn't think it'd be hard to have faith again. I guess it's not hard, it's just so different. Part of me has faith, but it's more like..."I deserve this to go 'right' after all I've been through."Bryan & I found a three bedroom duplex in a great location that we fell in love with. We applied for it and we're praying that we'll get it! See, Kylie & I were driving up to look at it and said a quick prayer for God's favor. We had no idea what the inside would be like. Then I loved it, and Bryan just happened to have his break while we were there and was able to come & see it. That's cool. When everything seems to be perfect. At this point, I feel like it should all work out. So, I have faith that it will.

When I was pregnant with Layla, I had a lot of faith. It was real. I really believed and felt everything I was saying. I look back at some of my post and think, how did I do that? Not just that, but why? Why was I so faithful? At the time, it was all I could do. Now, I'm not saying that God was not faithful to us in that situation. However, He didn't do what I believed was possible. He didn't do what I felt like He should do. He did other things through the process and will continue to. But, it was His plan and purpose, not mine. It's kind of embarrassing now. I read some of my posts and think it sounds so silly to have said, "Let's show the Doctors at this appointment...".

Now, when I say things in faith, like "I'm sure it will all work out." I don't feel like I really believe that. I don't feel like I mean it. Well, it's not about how I feel. It's about what I know. I know that God has a purpose and a reason for everything. So I say it because I know it will be okay because it is God's plan, not mine.

Remember this?
1. God can do it.
2. He will do it for me.
3. Even if He doesn't...

Well, this is my 'even if He doesn't...'

This is my chance to say I will still follow Him. I will still trust Him. It's not about how I feel. I feel like we should get the duplex. But I know it's God's plan, which is not determined by how I feel things should go. So, here's to having real faith and continuing to learn what faith really is. (After all, it is Layla's middle name.)

Saturday, February 11, 2012

From Where I'm Standing

I see...
  • a thank you, yet to be given, for a gift we received when Layla was born. 
  • a reminder to renew my driver's license before my 27th birthday. 
  • a coupon booklet from Target for 'all things baby'. 
  • a bill from our homeowner's insurance for our house in Stevens Point. 
  • papers for applying for a duplex and filing our taxes.
  • a Sharpie that's always arm's length away for labeling dvds. 

I feel...
  • a little overwhelmed.
  • accomplished and proud of the things I've done.
  • older than 27.
  • reminded that I don't have a baby.

I hear...
  • HGTV on quietly in the background. just enough noise for Kylie to stay asleep in our tiny apartment and to keep me from sitting in silence and thinking about all the things I miss

Friday, February 03, 2012

That One Word, "Layla"

We have had so many supporters through this journey. It's incredible to look at my Facebook page and my blog from November 29, 2011. In fact, Bryan's brother printed everything for us so we could save it with Layla's things. You have effected me. 

Something I've been thinking about/wondering is how Layla's life has effected you. My best friend had her daughter's birthday party last weekend. We stuck around afterwards for the girls to play & us to chat. She gave me a journal that she started. It was given to a few of my closet friends in Stevens Point with a note that read, "Please share how Nancy & Bryan's Layla Faith journey effected you.". 

To be really honest, I didn't even think of this much until after I had Layla. I was thinking a lot about myself and how you guys were all supporting my family. Reading the entries from the journal was so cool. It made me realize (more than I already did) that Layla mattered. She changed lives, attitudes, perspectives, relationships, and the list could go on. Not only for me, but for some of you. 

A close friend and constant prayer warrior sent us a nice message with her thoughts and I love it. I agree with it, and it was good for me to hear. So I'll include some of it here (with her permission). 

"We know that God speaks all things into existence. That we are, literally a word from God. 

Isaiah 55:11 So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void, But it shall accomplish what I please, And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it. 

Layla is your precious daughter, she is everything you've written about her and have shared with all of us...but more than that, she is literally the spoken word of God that He sent to you, to the world, to His Kingdom...and like the verse in Isaiah says, she did not return to Him void. She accomplished what He sent her to do...even though from our perspective and certainly yours, that return was much, much too quick.

I've seen, and continue to see, so much that He has done and the amazing miracles in the months since that day in August when everything went a different direction than the plans you had in mind. And I know that there is so much more of His plan and purpose than has been fulfilled in that word "Layla" that He spoke and sent forth that we don't see, can't see, may never see this side of heaven. 

I know without a doubt, that one word "Layla" has certainly come straight from God, to my heart and grown my faith and hope and love in ways that only He can do."

I pray that that one word "Layla" has touched your life. As you can imagine, it has truly touched mine in so many ways. She accomplished what He sent her to do. 

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

His Work

All praises to the One who made it all
and finds it beautiful

Fearfully and 
wonderfully and
beautifully made

Psalm 139:14 says "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." The first part of this verse is really popular. I like the second half. "Your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

I love talking about Layla and it makes me happy anytime I can brag about how beautiful I think she was (I first typed 'is', but I realize she's not here). In fact, Bryan and I talked about her a lot on her 2 month milestone. It was nice to think about her together & share our memories. I had a chance to do that with a friend this week, too.

When I think of Layla and remember how she looked, I think she was beautiful. Not many people have seen her whole body. Others may have thought it looked 'funny'. It reminds me that God finds all things beautiful. Everything is created in His image. He thought Layla was perfect, when the doctors see her as a baby with a physical anomaly.

She was His work. I praise Him, His works are wonderful, I know that full well.