Kylie May

Kylie May

Layla Faith

Layla Faith

Zoey Noelle

Zoey Noelle

Boyee

Boyee
Our baby boy, due March 16th.

Monday, December 19, 2011

"It's a Process"

We had a perfect party for Layla on Saturday afternoon. It was an open house with desserts and coffee. (I'll post pics soon.) A lot of our family, friends, and people we hadn't met yet came to Celebrate Layla Faith. I smiled and laughed and bragged about my little angel. And cried just a little bit. 

I got a lot of comments about my blog. A lot of "Thank You"s and "Don't stop writing" comments. I was kind of surprised by that. I don't feel like you should be thanking me. Someone said that my sharing is such a selfless act. I don't feel like it is. In fact, sometimes I think it's selfish of me, to think you all care to know my thoughts. But, a lot of you told me not to stop, so I won't. Everyday, I have so much that I could share. So many emotions, so many revelations. Things that I'm thinking about or even just cute things that Kylie says. (On the way to school today, I wasn't talking to her as much as usual. She said, "Mom, are you sad because you miss Layla?" I responded with, "No. Well...not really right now." Kylie said, "Oh, you're sad. Just not crying?" Oh man, my sweet 3 year old knows me better than I do sometimes.)

Something I realized from a couple long days, is that I can physically work for 8 hours, but not emotionally. I know I say those two words a lot. It's the only way I can differentiate between the two. When I'm at work, I'm doing fine. I have things to occupy my mind. Plenty of things to do. But then, when I get a minute to think about myself and Layla, it's hard. Then I get home with Kylie at 5:30 and Bryan is at work, I just don't have any energy left. I don't have any patience. I practically don't even have energy to talk to her and listen to her and enjoy her. Please don't get me wrong, I love her to pieces. I love being home with her. I just don't feel like I can give her what she needs after working all day. Thankfully, this only happens a couple days a week, and it's just a busy season right now. I know that it will ease up a lot after Christmas and especially after New Years. 

It was hard, to carry Layla. Knowing that she wouldn't make it. I knew that there would be this period of grieving, but I had no idea what to expect. It's hard. Yes, I feel strong. I feel good. But, that doesn't mean it's not hard and different. I feel like I should be able to take some Tylenol and feel better. Like I'm in pain and it should just go away in a little bit. Like I should be able to look at the calendar and say, well, everything will be normal after the new year. But, I don't think it's going to be that easy. 

"It's a process.", you know, all the counselors tell you that. And "everyone grieves differently". Blah blah. People can say that all they want. But until you're in the situation, you don't get it. You don't get how it will effect your relationships with people. People you've never met and people you've known forever. I am grateful that I know a few people (through the magnificent internet) who have been in this exact situation. I rely on them sometimes to validate my feelings. To say they remember the feelings. To convince me that I am "normal" even though I don't feel it. 

I think this is going to be a long road. Thank you for thinking of me and Layla and the rest of my family. Thank you for your continued prayers and support. God has been good to us. We're trusting God to comfort us and help us understand things. We're still 'going through' a lot. "It's a process." :)



1 comment:

Keri Kitchen said...

If normal DID exist... you'd be normal. :) But yes, it's all part of "the New Normal." I can say from both a therapist's point a view and as someone who has been there (and is there)... it really is a process! :) God's not finished with Layla's story yet.