Kylie May

Kylie May

Layla Faith

Layla Faith

Zoey Noelle

Zoey Noelle


Our baby boy, due March 16th.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Not-So-Good Day

Bryan and I had a not-so-good day yesterday. I don't know exactly why. I'm sure there will just be days like that. We could not communicate, about anything. Bryan was thinking of Layla a lot and missing her. It didn't help that he had nothing to do all day to occupy his mind. Added to that, we went to get her birth & death certificates yesterday. Fine, as I was when I picked up her ashes, until I looked. I guess I've never seen a death certificate before. Seeing "THIS PERSON IS DECEASED" in bold & all caps on the top of the paper. Looking at it made it so real. So black & white. So cold. So obvious. I shed a few tears & was openly consoled by the clerk, Kylie, & Bryan. Then I had to write a check. Snap right back to reality & no time to actually think & process my thoughts. $20 for an 'official' paper stating she was born. $20 for one stating she died. Family members shouldn't have to pay for a death certificate. Isn't the pain of losing someone you love enough?

Not-so-good days. They're not bad, just not as good. Days that one of us, or both of us, or sometimes Kylie, think of Layla. Like yesterday before we picked up Layla's papers, Kylie said her eyes were watering because she missed Layla. Today we were shopping & she saw a little girl outfit asked if it was for Layla.

My mom & sister had a piece of art made for me. It's a one-of-a-kind piece (poem & photo) by a local artist they met at a craft fair. They ordered it the weekend before we had Layla. The artist followed my blog & kept in touch with my sister via emails. She even put a sticker on the back that says, "In Loving Memory of little Layla Faith".

I like to read it on my not-so-good days.

One more time
to hold you tight
One more day
just one more night

I was not ready to let you go
How I miss and love you so

You were my baby
my life, my dear
I thank God for
your short time here

My days seem longer
and sometime sad
But I know you're at peace
and that makes me glad

It's hard to understand 
why God needed you there
My perfect little angel
will watch over me with care

-Nicole Marie Ebben-


Joy Groblebe said...

That is beautiful....the tears came quickly reading that poem. Thank you for sharing. Love to you guys...

Lyla Our Little Miracle said...

Thank you for sharing. The poem is beautiful. I'm sorry you didn't have a good day. I wish I could come over and give you a great big hug. We could sit around, eat ice cream, drink wine, and cry and laugh all day! Sending you hugs from Long Island! Xoxo

mom g. said...

The finality that comes with the paperwork does make for a "not so good" day. (I remember doing the same thing for Sarah and Elizabeth.) But those days help us to be grateful for all of the "good days" we are given. It takes time, and tears, and more time. Eventually, the good days will out-weigh the not so good. Hug Kylie and be thankful she also understands, even at her young age. love you all.