Layla Faith's First Birthday!

Last week Thursday was Layla's first birthday! **If you haven't been to my blog before, please check out the Our Story page.** As I had written, the anticipation was emotional. It was hard to think of what we wanted to do. How do we honor her? What can we do to celebrate every year? What should be special for her first? Bryan and I both took the day off from work. Not knowing how hard it would be or what we'd want to do. Kylie had school until noon and then went to the sitters.

In my family, we grew up having candy in the morning. We all had to get to school early, so we would have our favorite candy on the table for breakfast & open presents in the morning. I remember waking up to the sound of Skittles pouring into a glass candy dish. Best. Sound. Ever.

We couldn't leave Layla out of this tradition. So we woke up to candy, cards, and flowers on the table. Bryan picked out Twizzler Pull n Peels. (Kylie came home from the sitter's and asked for Layla's candy. So I guess that's 'her candy' now.) I, of course, teared up when reading the card that Bryan got for Layla. Kylie asked why my eyes were watering and I told her because I missed Layla. She said, but I'm not sad! She always knows how to make me smile. Kylie asked if we could go visit her for her birthday. I said no and her response was "Is heaven really really far away?". I wish it was so simple in my head like it is in hers.

Layla's ashes have been in a box in the funeral home bag in our closet for a year. We always wanted to sprinkle her ashes at our tree and figured her first birthday was the perfect time to do it. I may have talked about our tree in the past. It's not 'our tree'. It's just a random dead tree in the middle of a field on Hwy 10. Bryan and I have driven that stretch since we moved to Stevens Point in 2003. Every single time, we would point out 'our tree'. We've never walked up to it in over 10 years. To see the way that is has changed over the years is so interesting to us. It's gone through a lot of changes, but gained so much character. We always wonder how long it will stay standing. Hoping it's still there each time we drive through.

Our visit to the tree was perfect. There was nothing I would change about it. We asked our friend, Mandi to come with to take pictures. This would be the only time we would actually walk up to our tree. I wanted it documented for when Kylie is old enough to understand what we did. She took amazing pictures and just let us 'do our thing'. We sprinkled her ashes and left a "Layla Ribbon" with them. One for me, Bryan & Kylie. Then we ventured down to the bottom of the tree. It was so interesting to see all of the old branches that had fallen off over the years at the bottom of the tree. We tied a ribbon around the tree in memory of our sweet baby. It was the best thing we could have done for her first birthday. Surprisingly, it feels good to have done something with her ashes. One year later, and another bit of closure.

After we were done at the tree, we went to Appleton for some shopping/eating. We came home and picked up a cake & Kylie for dinner. The three of us went to Mackinaws for a birthday meal. We quietly sang happy birthday and blew out one pink candle on a mini cake for Layla.

The whole day was perfect. Layla was perfect. We miss her everyday. We remember last year like it was yesterday. I remember all of the details. All of the pictures we have. Family and friends who surrounded us with love. This year has been a 'process' of grieving. I am in a much different place than I was those few months after she was born. Praise God that He is able to bring us joy in the mourning. That He carries us through and blesses us for remaining faithful. (Click pictures to see them bigger.)

"Storms make trees take deeper roots."