No News is Good News

Bryan really doesn't like that phrase. My family has always used it. If we're leaving, it's like an assumption that if you don't hear anything, everything's fine. According to Bryan, it really doesn't make sense. Anyway, I just wanted to write to say everything is going well so far. No news is good news.

We should have had our 10 week appointment today, but our Dr. was booked. We're having it next Wednesday. I'm glad we have them every two weeks because I'm getting ancy to see our baby & know that everything is still okay. One more week...

I've been feeling good, as long as I eat often. I'm very picky about what I eat. With Layla, I couldn't eat eggs. With Beanie I'm having a hard time with chicken. It's so weird, I love chicken but it doesn't even sound good to me. Cold cereal has been my friend. Kylie loves it too, so it works for an easy dinner when Bryan's not home.

Bryan's Starbucks has been under construction. Last week they worked out of a trailer. This week only the drive through is open. His hours have been really different, so it's been interesting for us. He's had to be gone by 6 some mornings which leaves me to get myself & Kylie ready for school. I know it's not that hard with one, but He usually does a lot for us. It's resulted in some not-so good hair days for me. But, it's been kind of nice to have him home at night. Kylie and I have our evening routine, so it's a little different, but nice.

Kylie will be 4 in a few weeks. We're starting to think about her party, but even more exciting is Adam & Staci's wedding! It' on the 20th. Kylie is going to be the flower girl & she is so thrilled! I think Bryan & I have been pretty lucky with Kylie. It hasn't been 'hard' to discipline her. No major issues or anything...until this week! It's like a switch flipped or something. She's been hitting, sticking her tongue out and just not listening. This has been a challenge for Bryan & I. We've had to get on the same page with how we discipline. I know we should have done this a couple years ago, but didn't have much reason to. I think we have a pretty good system down & are handling it well. It's definitely been a challenge. I'm glad we're dealing with it now instead of with a newborn. I do wonder if it has anything to do with my being pregnant. I guess there's no way to tell. It's probably just her personality shining through. Looking forward to the fantastic fours! :)

I know I mentioned before that Kylie was calling my belly Layla. We spent so much time talking about Layla while I was pregnant with her. We just had to prepare Kylie for what was happening. I wonder if she is worried about Beanie and doesn't know how to express it. There are a few or more times each week that she talks about Layla. It's pretty random, but her little brain must just remember different things. I dropped her off at school one day & she looked pretty sad. I asked her if she was happy & she told me she missed Layla. Or at dinner last night she got really quiet and said the same thing. But, that's all she usually says. Just that she misses Layla.

So last night, I asked Kylie if she would like to look at pictures after supper. I didn't want to do it if she didn't want to, but she did. We (Bryan too) sat on my bed with a photo album of Layla's pictures. Kylie had so much to say about each picture. We counted Layla's fingers and toes, and Kylie's too. She pointed out Layla's blanket and wanted to cuddle with it. The baby ring in a couple pictures, she said would fit Beanie when Beanie's born. She pointed out the pretty white dress that Layla wore and said "I hope we still have that dress. Can I see it?". So we took it out. I've always called it an angel dress. Which lead to me explaining that Layla is an angel up in heaven. That made Kylie pretty happy & she ran to her room saying "I have a book with angels in it!". She brought us "Heaven is for Real" and asked us to read it. There were many sweet comments that Kylie had during all of this. I truly treasured those moments with Kylie & Bryan. Just sitting & remembering & talking about Layla.

I kept myself from crying the whole time. I teared up a bit, but it reminded me of the feelings I had when Kylie came to visit us in the hospital. I had to be so strong. There were many times that she did see my cry, but that's okay. I just didn't want her visit to be a sad memory. I have video of the entire thing. I watched it once a while ago. I can't believe how I did that. It was only by His strength. There is a prayer at the end of the book that we prayed. Kylie continued the prayer. I've noticed that a lot of her feelings & thoughts come out in her prayers. It's like a peek into how she's feeling. She prayed that Layla is happy in heaven and continued "Please let us keep Beanie here so we can put her to bed and feed her and change her diaper and look at her belly button." (We saw a newborn a couple weeks ago & she noticed the belly button.)

I know she's only four so her thoughts aren't that advanced. What I do hear just makes me smile or tear up. There was one thing she did that reminded me of when I was pregnant with Layla. After we first bought Layla's pink blanket, in our apartment, Kylie laid it out on the floor and folded it like there was a baby in it. I have a video of her talking about 'Layla's blanket' and wrapping her up when she comes home. Last night, she did the same thing, It was almost identical to my memory/video. Last night she was quiet and just laid out the blanket, folded it up, and put it on her bed.

I can tell Layla's birthday is coming up & that I'm pregnant. I've been more emotional & crabby this week. I went on a field trip to the apple orchard this morning with Kylie & remembered I was pregnant last year when we went. It's another season, which brings back other memories of when I had Layla in my belly. It will be 10 months on Saturday.

This post got much longer than I anticipated, but I've been wanting to write for along time. As usual, prayers are appreciated for trust and comfort in God that Beanie will be healthy. Also, for our challenges with Kylie this week. We appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers for us. Stay tuned for a post next Wednesday after our appointment!

Beanie Beanie

I love hearing Kylie talk about Beanie. It's so cute and entertaining. She's so excited to have a little brother or sister and keeps reminding me that it's coming after Easter. I do think it's a little silly to call the baby Beanie, but that's what works. It nicer than saying 'it', since we don't know if Beanie's a boy or girl. Kylie is convinced that she will be the mom and I will be the helper. I'm sure she'll be a huge help at this age!

Our 8 week appointment was great. We love our Dr. and by now, she knows us pretty well. She spoke with Dr. Hayes (Layla's Dr.) after our last appointment. He recommended a nuchal translucency screening. It's done via ultrasound and doesn't give you a diagnosis, but assesses the risk of Down Syndrome and other abnormalities. Bryan and I both knew right away that this is not something we want to do. We genuinely see no purpose in knowing this stuff. As you all know from the past, the diagnosis or risk would not change how we proceed with the pregnancy. It pains me to know that some people would see the test results and terminate the pregnancy. Even just with a risk and no diagnosis. I don't know if this happens, but I'm sure it does or they wouldn't offer the test. It's similar to an amniocentesis, but can be done earlier in the pregnancy.

Anyway, we said no to any tests. We are going to treat this like a 'normal' pregnancy. The plan is still to have an appointment every 2/3 weeks with Dr. Winburn. She has a portable ultrasound machine that we'll use at each appointment to see the heartbeat and measure. After having appointments so often with Layla, I really don't mind going in so often. It's very reassuring for me after all we've gone through. We'll be seeing Dr. Hayes for our 16/18 week ultrasound. He will do all the fancy measurements. That will be our only meeting with him. Since everything will go great :) , we won't need to see him again.

So, we're all pretty relieved that the appointment went well. Looking forward to the next to see Beanie looking good.

**Also, I have to say, my best friend Crimson had her third little girl today, Sylvia. She was born this morning. Had a rough start, but is doing well now. Congrats, Crim!!! Love you.**

Joyful News

Gruse baby #3 is due in April! We announced it to the Facebook world this morning and have known for a couple weeks. We had an ultrasound on the 29th of August (ironically Layla's 9 month bday). It was great to see the heartbeat. Bryan and I knew what it was as soon as we saw it on the screen. It brought us such joy. I'm a little scared or nervous or anxious, but full of faith and trust that God will carry us through and we'll get the all clear soon!

We have another ultrasound on the 12th. It sounds like we'll have appointments every two weeks for the first trimester. We'll probably meet with Dr. Hayes (Layla's Dr.) closer to the 18 week gender ultrasound. He'll do measurements and stuff like that. We don't plan on having any special tests done. To us, there's no reason to. It's hard to believe that we didn't learn about Layla's prognosis until 18 weeks! This is the earliest I've known that I'm pregnant. With the other girls I was further along when I realized it. I tried to make myself wait, but was too excited!

The only downfall to knowing this early, is that I'm so ready! I was ready 9 months ago after carrying Layla for 34 weeks. Now I have to wait another 34 weeks! I knew this would happen. I think I wrote about it before. God's timing is perfect. I'm just antsy! Kylie will be 4 & 1/2 by April. It'll be nice to have a spring baby. Kylie & Layla were born in the fall. My brain is ahead of my body. I'm literally ready to have a baby tomorrow. Praying for the timeline in my head to line up with my heart!

Kylie May is so sweet. Every night before bed, she always says her own prayer. Her prayer was especially cute the night we told her about the baby. "Please keep our baby healthy. And, Jesus? Can we keep this baby here this time?" I responded "That's a nice prayer." She interrupted, as if she heard him answer and said, "He said yes!!!!". So much excitement in her voice. She jumped out of bed to run and tell daddy that 'Jesus said the baby can stay here!'. It was so innocent and unprompted.

It's hard to realize that she was old enough to remember when I was pregnant with Layla. Because of that, she's already talking to my belly. Singing twinkle twinkle and saying good morning and good night. A few times, she's called the baby Layla. I have to remind her that Layla's in heaven. She keeps asking what the baby's name will be. Her suggestion was Johnny for a boy or a girl. Instead we thought we could call it 'baby bean'. Kylie quickly started calling it Beanie. So, that's what it'll be! I would rather that, than Layla or Johnny!

Needless to say, we're very happy. He's turned my mourning into dancing again. He's lifted my sorrow. I feel happy again. 

Thank you for all the congrats on Facebook! Thank you for your support and prayers through another pregnancy! We wouldn't be this strong without you.