Love Song for Layla

I am a creator. Hence, the blog and everything else in my life. This blog has been therepudic for me. It fills my need to create and surprisingly has been a word of encouragment to so many people. I create videos all the time. Mostly for weddings & work. But, I've only written one song before. My friend and I wrote it for our youth pastor when he left our church. (Also the pastor who married us and was with us when Layla was born.) Anyway, I want to create something for Layla. I don't know where to begin. I've made this blog into a book, which is neat to have. I could make a video or write a song. I could make a website for people in a situation like mine. I don't even know where to begin.

I remember in high school, filling out a questionaire. One of the questions was, "What do you do to relax?". Now, I guess I would add "If you had time for yourself, what would you do to relax?". My answer then, and still: I would blast some excellent music in my room and sing my heart out. :) And take time…and think and pray and read my Bible. I loved doing that in high school. I had time to do that in high school.

If I did that today, I would start with this song. It takes me back to the moments that I had with Layla. The second I hear it, I can't keep in the tears. It is such a gorgeous song and her voice is so passionate. I know it's a love song, written for a wedding. But for me it's a love song for Layla. I was brave. I cherished evey minute with her in my belly & while I held her in my arms. I have loved her and I will love her for a thousand more years.

Time stands still

Beauty in all she is

I will be brave

I will not let anything take away

What's standing in front of me

Every breath

Every hour has come to this

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I love you for a thousand more

Christina Perri - A Thousand Years

I Had A Baby

The age of a baby. It's probably the most common question that people ask you as a mom, "How old is he/she?". Have you noticed that it gradually changes from hours to weeks to months to years? I had a baby four weeks ago today. I'm still in the 'week' stages. Soon, I'm sure I'll move on to months and eventually years.

I want people to know I just had a baby. Like the lady who did my nails or the bank teller or cashier at the grocery store. I want to have my tiny 4 week old with me and get the "awwww, how old is she?" question. Not just that, but I feel like I need to explain why I'm still wearing maternity clothes or why I try not to pick up heavy things. Oh well. I want to show off my Layla!

The only thing that does that for me, or opens up the conversation to talk about her is this necklace. 

I've worn it everyday since I picked it up. We had Layla cremated and a small amount of her ashes are in this heart necklace. My favorite things about it:

- it's close to my heart
- it gets warm. I know it sounds silly, but I remember holding Layla and thinking how warm she was. I touch this necklace throughout the day when I think of her, and it's warm.
- Kylie knows it's 'from Layla'. She woke up the other night and came to cuddle with me on the couch. With her eyes closed, she reached for my necklace and held onto it as she fell asleep. I know she probably doesn't really get it, but it made me happy.

I always miss Layla, but I thought of her a lot this weekend. It was Christmas, after all. On Christmas Eve, I just kept thinking of wanting her with us. Sitting around the tree opening presents. I wanted her in my arms. I wanted her to get passed around or interrupt me to eat. I almost felt like it was boring without her. I think moms can relate to what I mean. It takes time to be ready for another baby, and I was ready. So, as I've said before, I guess I'm kind of ancy for that. In due time.

Merry Christmas!

Christmas is the season of giving. It began early for us, when we had Layla. Thank you, for giving. Bryan, Kylie and I have been truly blessed to be on the receiving end of all of your generous gifts. It has made this season brighter. It means so much to have such support. We are in love with our 'church'. And, if you read this post, you know I'm talking about you.






"The generous will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed." - Proverbs 11:25






Be refreshed this holiday season. Merry Christmas!

"It's a Process"

We had a perfect party for Layla on Saturday afternoon. It was an open house with desserts and coffee. (I'll post pics soon.) A lot of our family, friends, and people we hadn't met yet came to Celebrate Layla Faith. I smiled and laughed and bragged about my little angel. And cried just a little bit. 

I got a lot of comments about my blog. A lot of "Thank You"s and "Don't stop writing" comments. I was kind of surprised by that. I don't feel like you should be thanking me. Someone said that my sharing is such a selfless act. I don't feel like it is. In fact, sometimes I think it's selfish of me, to think you all care to know my thoughts. But, a lot of you told me not to stop, so I won't. Everyday, I have so much that I could share. So many emotions, so many revelations. Things that I'm thinking about or even just cute things that Kylie says. (On the way to school today, I wasn't talking to her as much as usual. She said, "Mom, are you sad because you miss Layla?" I responded with, "No. Well...not really right now." Kylie said, "Oh, you're sad. Just not crying?" Oh man, my sweet 3 year old knows me better than I do sometimes.)

Something I realized from a couple long days, is that I can physically work for 8 hours, but not emotionally. I know I say those two words a lot. It's the only way I can differentiate between the two. When I'm at work, I'm doing fine. I have things to occupy my mind. Plenty of things to do. But then, when I get a minute to think about myself and Layla, it's hard. Then I get home with Kylie at 5:30 and Bryan is at work, I just don't have any energy left. I don't have any patience. I practically don't even have energy to talk to her and listen to her and enjoy her. Please don't get me wrong, I love her to pieces. I love being home with her. I just don't feel like I can give her what she needs after working all day. Thankfully, this only happens a couple days a week, and it's just a busy season right now. I know that it will ease up a lot after Christmas and especially after New Years. 

It was hard, to carry Layla. Knowing that she wouldn't make it. I knew that there would be this period of grieving, but I had no idea what to expect. It's hard. Yes, I feel strong. I feel good. But, that doesn't mean it's not hard and different. I feel like I should be able to take some Tylenol and feel better. Like I'm in pain and it should just go away in a little bit. Like I should be able to look at the calendar and say, well, everything will be normal after the new year. But, I don't think it's going to be that easy. 

"It's a process.", you know, all the counselors tell you that. And "everyone grieves differently". Blah blah. People can say that all they want. But until you're in the situation, you don't get it. You don't get how it will effect your relationships with people. People you've never met and people you've known forever. I am grateful that I know a few people (through the magnificent internet) who have been in this exact situation. I rely on them sometimes to validate my feelings. To say they remember the feelings. To convince me that I am "normal" even though I don't feel it. 

I think this is going to be a long road. Thank you for thinking of me and Layla and the rest of my family. Thank you for your continued prayers and support. God has been good to us. We're trusting God to comfort us and help us understand things. We're still 'going through' a lot. "It's a process." :)

Layla's Impact

I have written so many posts in the last couple days. I decided to condense a few.

1 - Nobody should get sympathy cards and Christmas cards at the same time. That stinks.

2 - My brother-in-law and his fiance are teachers at a school in Milwaukee. The teachers there had teddy bears donated to the Children's Hospital of Milwaukee in Layla's name! It made me so happy to know that Layla is still making an impact in other people's lives.

3 - My mom's Aunt & Uncle sent a card and a note saying they sent a donation to Faith's Lodge in Layla's name. Come to find out, Faith's Lodge is a place for people who are coping with the death of a child. It's located in Danbury, WI and it's the only place like it in the country! What a unique gift that will help the healing process for someone who is going through this situation.

4 - Kylie was telling me a story the other night. "Once upon a time, there was an angel named Layla. She had a little big heart." It made my heart smile. I always talk to Kylie about Layla. I want her to remember her little sister.

5 - I received a pretty cool gift the other day from the MOPS group at our church. It's a piece of wall art that says, "Faith shines brightest in the dark".

Matthew 4:16 - "the people who sat in darkness have seen a great light. And for those who lived in the land where death casts its shadow, a light has shined."

Thank you, ladies. I know you have been thinking and praying for me and my family so much. I love this gift as a great reminder of the blessings that have come from this journey.

Your gift has also trigged a few more thoughts that I'll blog about soon. :)