Moving Forward with Intention

I've been feeling restless. Eager to do more. To excel. To prove my worth. I've applied for jobs, thought of having a baby, painting my living room, a dog & most seriously starting school.

What is it that I'm missing? Why am I searching for a distraction? I need something to occupy my mind. Will I always feel this void?

Don't get me wrong. I love my family. I love my job. I'm happy. I'm content.

Maybe this is my midlife crisis. I'm almost 30. There's gotta be something more. I feel the need to contribute in a way. To something bigger than me.

Why suddenly? Probably because things have slowed down enough to allow me time to think. It's easy to be "too busy" to think/plan/execute for your own life. Much easier to do it for big projects at work. But when that's over or the job & daily grind is stripped away, what's left?

Part of me thinks I'll always feel this way. There is something...someone missing. Layla's 3rd birthday came & went (with no blog post). We had a family celebration & of course celebrated her life. But the ripple from her 3rd birthday continues in my desire to use her story, my story, for something bigger. Bigger than me.

So, a toast. A toast to becoming more. Not different. Or someone else. Just living to the fullest. Really living a raw, honest, real life. Humble and vulnerable. Brave & courageous. Not looking back at mistakes I've made or things I could have done better. Moving forward. With intention. Discovering my purpose and the reason for my story. Using the storm to show others that there is a rainbow somewhere.

"We want something more. We hope there is more. But we are all afraid that hope is selfish. But what if. What if the things you love to do collided with the plans GOD had laid out from before the foundations of earth."- Jennie Allen, author of Restless

I Know the Pain of a Heart Break

I realize that I haven't posted in a very long time. Since the beginning of the month, I've been wanting to write a post to recognize that October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

This was proclaimed in October of 1988 by President Reagan, "When a child loses his parent, they are called and orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn't a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the US and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes."

Sadly, I think it's safe to say that we all know at least one person who has had to experience the loss of a child (aside from me). Join me in taking few minutes for a quick prayer for comfort and understanding. For renewed faith in these homes. To turn to God despite the terrible storm that they've endured. Recognize that these children were on purpose.

Some of you may have heard of the "bucket list baby" story floating around Facebook. I believe it gained popularity because they knew their baby had a poor diagnosis and made the most of it by documenting all of the fun things they did with Baby Shane in mom's belly. What a sweet idea!

I saw this story on my news feed many many times. Again today, as Baby Shane was born early this morning and passed shortly after. Over the last month or so, I skipped over the story many times. I think out of my desire for ignorance. I wish, so badly, that I didn't know those feelings. But, I know them all too well. They are so real to me still.

I've written about this picture a couple times. This picture speaks a million words to me. I have a feeling that every mom who has lost a child has 'this picture'. A picture that portrays so many feelings that cannot be described. A picture that causes waves of emotion each time you look at it. Just knowing those feelings that you had in that moment. This is the picture of my heart break.

This picture was taken moments after the Dr. checked Layla's heart beat.

To all the moms who have lost a child. Please know this, "You didn’t choose this. You didn’t want this to happen. You didn’t do anything wrong. It just happened. To you. Despite your begging, pleading, praying, hoping against all hope it would not. Even though everything within you was screaming no, no, no, no, no."
 - Angela Miller, You Are the Mother of All Mothers

I know the pain of a heart break. I know your pain of your heart break.

10 Days Old

Well, I've been a little too busy to update my blog. There's something a lot more important right now. Sweet Zoey Noelle has been too enjoyable. I've been loving every second with her. Every once-in-a-while I get caught up with cleaning or thinking about work things to do. But then when I see her, those concerns go away pretty quickly.

As expected, I think she's perfect. My c-section went really well. There were a couple moments that I remember asking more than once if she was okay. I hear her cry right when she came out, but then she stopped. So, I just kept making sure she was okay. Very different from the last c-section in the same operating room. Just needed some reassurance and to see her. She's so beautiful with perfect dark hair and long 'piano' fingers.

Kylie was the first to meet her after school. She was so excited, but still reserved. She kissed her, held her and so innocently told her that she "gets to come home with us". Since then, Kylie has been such a great big sister. She made up a lullaby that actually gets Zoey to quiet down (but only when she's singing it).

Zoey is very content. Our nights have been going really well. She's up every two-three hours and then goes right back to sleep. I've been sleeping when I can and cuddling with her while Kylie at school. It's been lovely. I'm enjoying it while I can.

This post is becoming nearly impossible to finish. I started it yesterday & have been interrupted so many times! I better tend to my 10 day old. :)

My friend Heidi came over for some newborn pics! Zoey was eight days old. Take a peek. 

I love waking up to this!

Zoey Noelle

She's here!! Zoey Noelle was born on Monday morning at 8:25. Eight pounds fourteen ounces and twenty-one inches long. A little bigger than Kylie but still in newborn clothes.

Bryan, Kylie and I are so in love and amazed by God's blessings.

I'm sure I'll write more later. Here's a couple pics to hold you over.

Rainbow Baby

Have you heard of that term before? Surprisingly, I hadn't until I was looking things up with Layla. I discovered that a "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a baby loss. So now, we're having our rainbow baby. I read the definition from the urban dictionary.

In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery. "We lost our last pregnancy, but now we have a rainbow baby."

I love that it posts the analogy of the storm. Remember my very first post? I knew there would be many blessings throughout this entire journey. My, did we ever experience blessings. I found out we were pregnant with Layla in April of 2011. We'll have Zoey two years since then. Bryan and I have grown so much in these past two years.

Zoey is our beautiful and bright baby that has emerged after this dark period. She is not a replacement. We cannot disregard the past couple years of what we've been through. The season that we've endured had a purpose. Now we are being blessed with another baby girl. We're so excited.

Five more days and we'll see our Zoey. Kylie can't wait to see her little sister. I am enjoying her rolling around in my belly. It's not too uncomfortable yet. I definitely have my pregnant waddle down. Heidi (did our family pics in February) took a few pics today of my growing belly. I'll be 39 weeks on Saturday.

I'm just finishing my Wednesday night of work. Heading to our old house to pack & get Kylie to bed. Our carpet was installed today and it looks awesome. Just have to get everything moved over tomorrow/Friday. Then clean the old place (worst part of moving). After we're settled, I'm sure I'll post again & show some pictures of the house!