I think there's a point when the way your child says "I love you" changes. Bryan and I have always said "I love you" or "love you" to Kylie. She's been repeating it back to us for a while, but without true understanding. I remember a couple weeks ago when she said, "I love you, mom". I could tell she meant it. It was just different.
I love my daughters; my 'girls'. I love when Kylie's innocent & genuine comments tug at the heartstrings and make my heart melt.
I was putting her to bed the other night. Doing so good at a new routine of 'ignoring' her and trying not to carry on conversations while she's going to sleep. But the other day, she said she was thinking about Layla in heaven and missed her. Well, I just couldn't ignore that. As usual, I'll talk about Layla to anyone, every chance I get. :) At lunch, Kylie was sitting on my lap & gently took my "Layla necklace" and kissed it. She looked at me and said, "I kissed your necklace because I love you and I love Layla."
On the opposite end, it's so hard to hear some things. None of it is done on purpose, but to me it's putting salt in my wound. Comments from a stranger looking at a little baby saying, "Aren't they all just so cute?". Getting Layla's insurance card in the mail & having to tell them she passed away. Or someone saying "Congrats" on a picture I posted of Layla on Facebook. Like I said, nobody is intending to be hurtful. For me, it just stings.
These emotions, the tugs & salt, are the after-effects of losing my baby. It's the little things that remind me of what I just went through. Things that won't let me forget, but could also help me move forward.
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3 comments:
I know that you will never "forget" and you shouldn't. I just pray that the remembering becomes less and less painful over time. A parent should never know this type of pain. I guess that is what comes from loving so deeply. Never stop loving deeply. Because of that love, you, Brian, Kylie and Layla will forever touch lives!
No one could ever expect you to forget. Layla will ALWAYS be your daughter and that is one thing no one can take from you! So sweet that Kylie is beginning to understand the "true" meaning of love. It's so amazing how that comes to be. It is also very special that Kylie loves her baby sister. You are right..... Keeping Layla's memory alive will be bitter sweet. You are doing a great job. The blog alone is a very wonderful way of keeping Layla alive in your heart. Xoxo
"tugs and salt" is a really good way of putting it.
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