Kylie May

Kylie May

Layla Faith

Layla Faith

Zoey Noelle

Zoey Noelle


Our baby boy, due March 16th.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Unexpected Day About Layla

My cursor has been blinking for a few minutes as I try to decide what I want to focus on about today. *This is getting really long, so I'll make it a couple posts.*

Today turned into a day about Layla. It's not quite her 4 month birthday, or anything numerically significant. However, she consumed my and Bryan's thoughts today.

I don't know what it is about having fun that makes me think of Layla. It kind of bugs me. I had a great time this weekend with Crimson and the family. For some reason, I can't stop thinking of Layla. I think it's just because I'm making new memories, without her. I guess when you carry a baby for 35 weeks your mind is always thinking about that baby. Then, when she's just gone, it's weird. Trying to make your brain and body realize that she's not here anymore. Anyway, I went to bed last night thinking of Layla, as usual. I woke up thinking of her.

Every Sunday morning, I get Starbucks on my way to church at 7am. I went inside today, hoping to get my drink & scone for free (I didn't!). While I was chatting with the girls as they made my drink, one of them looked up at said, "Hi Ted". I turned around, and there's Dr. Hayes. I know he frequents that location. Bryan sees him all the time. But it was a little awkward. We did the polite, "How are you?". I responded with "We're doing well. Off to work this morning." "Aren't we all", was his last comment. I didn't have anything else to say. It was so fake. I don't like being fake. I should have said, "We're okay. I miss Layla and I didn't really want to see you here this morning. Not fond memories of you and I'm hoping to never have an appointment with you again." But, that wouldn't have been polite. That's not me :)

Work was a little nail biting for me. I just didn't want to mess up! Presidential candidate, Rick Santorum visited our church. He was in the area yesterday and asked to attend our service. I was busy working, so I don't know many details. I've seen some pictures and it looked like a pretty big deal with all the security around. I have a few things to say about his visit.

I love my job.
I was nervous, but it was almost an adrenaline nervousness. I succeeded (I think). I'm in a position to tell people what to do and sometimes I feel bad being so bossy. But it's my job and that's what makes the end product look good!

Rick Santorum's Testimony
Rick Santorum spoke at the end of second service. I don't know anything about politics so everything I say is based on today. I like him. He come across as a very real person. I appreciated his honesty about his struggles in his faith walk and the rights he spoke about today. He gave a testimony that really hit home for my family. He had a son, who was born and passed away after 2 hours. He went on to describe the situation and his feelings toward God. The "why me", "tears to anger", and desire to "resolve". The feelings that are still so fresh in my mind.

Controlling My Emotions
I remember right after having Layla, I would really break down and cry, a lot. As I was directing the service, I felt one tear fall. Wiped it with my hand. Then another. I was doing good. The more he talked, the more I was recalling the vivid memories of Layla's journey. My tears continued as I tuned him out and thought about my angel. I had never cried on a Sunday morning in front of my crew that usually sees my strong demanding side. But, I'm real. And we're real at my church. I cried, but I could refocus (pun intended) and get back to work. I am finally to a point where I can control my emotions through this grieving thing.

"God is Faithful"
I remember one of the things he said while he was telling the story of his son, Gabriel. "If you're faithful, God will bless this." He mentioned that he's felt miracle after miracle throughout the period after his son was born. I could relate, because I feel the same way. A person's outlook changes after something like that. Things that may not have seemed like a miracle before, do. He ended his speech by strongly saying, "God is faithful".

To be continued because I have much more to say...


Keri Kitchen said...

God is faithful indeed :-)

Rabelers said...

I love your blog; you're so open and honest, and it's refreshing. Your faith is definitely an inspiration.
p.s. I'm so jealous of you getting to meet Santorum! ;)