Kylie May

Kylie May

Layla Faith

Layla Faith

Zoey Noelle

Zoey Noelle

Boyee

Boyee
Our baby boy, due March 16th.

Friday, May 04, 2012

I'm Back. I Cried. I Miss Her.

Well, it's been a while. Feels good to be back on the blog. I'll start by letting you all know, that we're doing well. Nothing major going on. I started working even more hours. So, the time that I am home I enjoy with Kylie (and Bry if he's off). As a family, we're paying better attention to how we spend our time. Turning off the tv. Putting our phones down. Playing outside. Golfing. Painting nails. Baking cookies. My blogging has been on the back burner. But, I have missed it. I always have things to write. Thanks for coming back to check in on us. :)

Our vacation to Florida was perfect. I can honestly say that looking back, there's nothing we would have done differently. The kids were really good in the car and while we were in Florida. It was pretty relaxing. No, we did not do Disney! We were in Jacksonville spending time visiting my sister. Spent a lot of time outside in the gorgeous weather & spent a day at the beach! I would say my favorite time of the entire trip was every night after the kids were sleeping (which took a while sometimes). All eight of us adults would go outside for drinks & talking. I could get used to that. Overall, I loved it. I think we all loved it. (Even Bryan)

My emotions got me a couple times. At home, it's just me, Kylie & Bryan. There are moments that get sad, but it was a lot harder on the trip. My nephew, Ben, is only one week younger than Layla would be. Everything made me miss Layla. Everything.

My Love Song for Layla came on the radio on the way down. It just happened to be around nine; a time that is stuck in my head because that's when she left. I cried...

We arrived in Florida the next night. All of the kids were awake. Even the babies. I met Lucienne for the first time. My sisters & I were supposed to have our babies at the same time. Luci was born a couple weeks before Layla. Seeing her & Ben together was hard. I cried...

We went to a picture place to have pictures of the kids. It's not often that we're all together. You can imagine the challenge of 6 kids at a picture place (ages 4.5yr, 3.5yr, two 3yr, two 5 months). Kylie did not cooperate for the pics, but they turned out okay. From the second we left to head to the picture place, I tried to be so strong. I knew it would be hard. I tried so much to hold it together. I did okay until the photographer started talking. I was the mom with "only one kid". "Well, since you just have one..." It stung every time she said that. I cried...

...and it felt good. Layla would have been 5 months on 4/29. She was born at 4:29. Our room number was 429. I think it felt good to cry because I haven't in a while. I also think that's part of the reason I've been avoiding the blog. It forces me to think about Layla. I think I've said this before, but I think about Layla all the time. When I write a blog, it consumes me. I cry. It gives me quiet time to remember her, to think about her life, the time that I carried her. Often times, I open up iPhoto to look at our pictures from her birthday. It's time for me to spend with her. I don't ever get that.

She would have been 5 months on Sunday. I came home from work to flowers all over the house from Bryan. Bright summery flowers & candy. He knows me well. It was nice to have the house happy when it could have easily been sad.

We had some storms the other day. Kylie came home from school telling me that the angels are bowling. She said that Layla is bowling in heaven. She went on, "Layla is crying, mom. She's crying because she misses you. Like you miss her. But I don't miss her anymore.".

Sometimes I miss her more than other times. Our family is not complete. I miss her. A lot.






2 comments:

Lyla Our Little Miracle said...

Such a beautiful pic of you guys and I LOVE how u wrote Layla in the sand ......very sweet! Thinking of you guys always !! Xoxo

Ken and Kristin Parks said...

You are in my heart. <3