We Didn't Have Enough Time

Man, was I nervous for our appointment yesterday. I don't know why. I had so much faith for so long, I feel like it's wearing out. I know that's not a 'thing'. I saw this quote on Pintrest "People cry, not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long." I feel that way often. I didn't sleep on Monday night. I was awake early and my appointment was at noon. It was a long morning, trying to focus & stay distracted with my work. I think I had a 'strong' mindset for a solid 15 weeks with Layla. I have let my mind wander from that these past few weeks. We've had appointments every two weeks and this stretch was three. Anyway, I'm a bit embarrassed to say I was a wreck. However, all of the strong comments, scriptures and posts on Facebook helped a ton. I don't remember the last time that I referred to a status update multiple times a day. I literally re-read those many times before noon. Thank you for that. I know I should be able to do that myself, but it sure does help to have you all saying the things I should say to myself. Thank you, really.

My fear & anxiousness was for nothing. Beanie's heartbeat was 172 (faster than the girls' ever were). This was the first time we heard the heartbeat. We've been having the 'crappy' (our Dr. uses a different word) ultrasound machine, but it finally broke. So, we just got the heartbeat. Bryan couldn't be there, but my mom came with. I know someday I'll have to go by myself, but I just don't want to. I almost pulled out my phone to record the heartbeat for Bryan & Kylie, but we were already done when I thought of it. Maybe next time. I know Kylie would love it. She wanted to come to my appointment to hold my hand. She's so sweet. (This week has been exceptionally better with Kylie. She's doing great at home & school.)

When I checked my Facebook this morning, I saw a friend's post who is 37 weeks. Her post read something about "can't wait to bring our baby girl home". This struck me for some reason. As I thought about it, I realized why. I have literally been thinking one appointment to the next. The thought of bringing a baby home has barely crossed my mind. After that appointment in August last year, I programmed my brain to know that my baby wasn't coming home. I mean, you all know that I hoped & prayed for something different. But, I couldn't allow myself to think about Layla coming home. So I was taken back when I read that post. I'm almost 12 weeks and everything is going great. At some point, I'm going to have to think about bringing a baby home! It's not a bad thing, I just don't think it will come as easily as it should for me.

As expected, this pregnancy has made me think of Layla so much. I already think of her everyday. I was watching a tv show last night. This lady's husband died. She was tough during the entire episode. People talking about her hubby & telling stories of how great he was. But, at the end of the show she shouted toward the ocean, "We didn't have enough time!". As if to cry out to God in so much pain.

Does everyone feel this way, when someone dies? We didn't have enough time with Layla, either. In the moments, it feels like everything is set. Like you've done & said everything you could say. Until the person is gone. Then all you ache for is more time.

A lot of people know Ecclesiastes 3, "A Time for Everything". When I was reading this passage again, I read The Message version instead of NIV. I like how it reads (notice a new word that was added). It's titled "There's A Right Time for Everything".

3 There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth: 

 A right time for birth and another for death,
A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal,
A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain,
A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses,
A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate,
A right time to wage war and another to make peace.

There is a RIGHT time for everything. Have you read the rest of that chapter, or do you stop there? Here's some more through verse 15. 

^9-13 But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I’ve had a good look at what God has given us to do—busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time—but he’s left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he’s coming or going. I’ve decided that there’s nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That’s it—eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It’s God’s gift.

¹⁴ I’ve also concluded that whatever God does, that’s the way it’s going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God’s done it and that’s it. That’s so we’ll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear.

¹⁵ Whatever was, is.
Whatever will be, is.
That’s how it always is with God.

So The Message Bible just lays it out there, doesn't it? "God's done it and that's it." The part that I like is the reason. "...so we'll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear." It's done. There's no reason to ask questions or wish it would have gone a different way. Whatever was, is. God made everything beautiful. Now it's time to quit wondering about things and worship God. Trust God that He, again, knows what He's doing. Everything in His RIGHT time.