Kylie May

Kylie May

Layla Faith

Layla Faith

Zoey Noelle

Zoey Noelle

Boyee

Boyee
Our baby boy, due March 16th.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Thinking of Layla

I'm almost 27 weeks pregnant with Beanie. According to my app, she's 15 inches long! I had Layla at 34 weeks, and because of her skeletal dysplasia, she was only 10 and 1/2 inches long and 4 pounds. I've been feeling Beanie moving for a while now. It's getting to be more & more. Now that I compare the sizes of Layla & Beanie, I realize why I can feel her so much. I love it. A lot. When I relax at night I can count on feeling her kicking the most. Throughout the day, I get kicks while I'm working at my desk. It's this little reminder that I'm growing a baby.

I didn't feel Layla very much because of her size. My pregnancy with her was physically so different from Beanie. I can't help but think how much of a blessing that was. It was challenging enough emotionally. If I would have felt her kicking more, or felt sick/miserable it would have made it such a different experience.

My sisters and I went out for lunch on Sunday. They really got me into thinking about Beanie. I have three months until she's due, but I haven't thought much about having her. I was talking more about it today with a friend. Thinking about the weeks after Beanie is born and wanting to work. She reminded me of what it will be like. Not sleeping at night, nursing every couple hours, not being clear-headed. My most recent memory of having a baby was not bringing one home. I had a baby and my life went on as usual. I was back at work twelve days after having her. I didn't need to figure out maternity leave or where the baby would sleep. Who would take care of her or how we would financially afford it. So, with Beanie, I'm trying to remember what I need to think about.

I will be in the hospital for a few days. I will bring a baby home. I will not be sleeping through the night. I will not be grieving her loss. I will be happy. I will be exhausted. I will still need to take care of Kylie. I will take off of work. I will not know what I'm doing. But, I will have a baby!

I was watching one of 'my shows', as Bryan calls them, tonight. The lady in the show had a baby. The first things she said was "she's crying". It dawned on me in that moment, that this experience with Beanie will be so different. I will feel that joy. The overwhelming, forget everything else, joy that comes when you hear, hold and see your baby for the first time. I felt something when I held Layla, but I can't honestly say that it was joy. It was relief. It was pain. It was sadness. It was an ending, not a beginning like it's supposed to be.

Bryan, Kylie and I were driving past the hospital where we had Layla. I want to give Kylie a heads up about things, so I told her that we'll be having Beanie there too. This started a list of questions from her. I wasn't expecting it to trigger so many memories for her. She asked to go to the same friends house as she did when Layla was born. She wants the same person to bring her to see me & Beanie. She asked why Layla didn't open her eyes. If Layla was sleeping already. How she got out of my belly and stated that happened before she came to visit. She was wearing her white dress. Did daddy & I cut her hair when she was sleeping? What color will Beanie's hair be? For a four year old, she remembers and understands so much.

This is our life. These conversations just happen and it's normal for us. I was waiting in the lab at the Dr. the other day. This little boy, about Kylie's age, asked his mom, "When did my brother die?". She quickly told him to quiet down so others wouldn't hear. I didn't hear her answer. It was hard to ignore their conversation. This is just their life now. Maybe it had been a while, maybe it just happened. Either way, it has changed them forever. I wanted to talk to her. I had no idea what I would say. How it would be received. I just wondered if she would feel comforted by meeting someone else who lost a child.

I was asked to speak at our MOPS group at church a couple days ago. I've been thinking about it a lot. I remember feeling so strong after Layla was born. I felt like I could do anything after what I had gone through. I know I've said this before, but I don't believe my own posts from when I was pregnant with Layla. I know that it was genuine, I remember feeling that way. Maybe not always 'feeling' strong, but being strong in my faith and trusting God. I don't know where I would begin to talk about how I made it through because I can't believe that I did. I don't feel as inspired to share now as I did last year. But, it's not about how I feel. Maybe it's time to figure out how I can use what I went through to help other people. Like the lady in the lab who lost her son. There is a reason for all of this. This could be my first step in discovering that.

1 comment:

mom g. said...

People often forget how strong a woman can be. You have proven that to many. You will never forget Layla and all she meant to you or any of the events of that day (or the days prior). But, it does get easier and as time goes on, you focus on other things. You focus on the present. Now it's Beanie's time. Sending hugs and love.