It was a year ago today, that we went into the ER for Layla. I was only 10 weeks. I had just started working at church and had a crazy busy morning at the Patriotic Service. I was also working at the bank at the time. Bryan and I went out for dinner. That night, I woke up in so much pain. I couldn't even stand up. We called the nurse line and were told to go into the ER. I think it was around 11pm. Kylie was sleeping, so our in-laws came over to sit while Kylie slept.
I was sobbing. I thought we had lost our baby. (At this time, we didn't know anything about Layla. We didn't even know the gender.) I remember Bryan and I were praying over and over again. I was thinking this could not happen to us. We were so excited about our baby.
My mom & dad met us at the ER. Of course it felt like forever before we had the ultrasound. We had to check-in and go through the whole process. Finally, they brought in the little portable ultrasound machine. We couldn't hear the heartbeat, but we saw it. Oh, the relief! I looked at Bryan and mom with tears. We were so happy. We knew the baby was okay. I praised God for everything. I thought, everything will be okay. The pain was instantly taken away when I knew our baby was still alive.
I left an hour or so later with papers that read "Threatened Miscarriage" and orders to lay low for a few days. It was the day before the Fourth of July. Bryan stayed home with me to make sure I didn't do anything. It was a pretty boring holiday last year.
I am a little emotional this week. Thinking of this day last year, when I thought we lost our baby. Little did I know, that was the beginning of a long journey. Layla's pregnancy was sustained by prayer. I truly believe that the 'threatened miscarriage' was God's way of preparing us. Showing us that through prayer and faith in Him, we could get through it. He showed us that day, that He was with us. He was so real to us when we saw her heartbeat. That was just the beginning of relying on Him even more than we already did. Putting it all in His hands.
It's so hard to look back & remember that feeling, the sigh of 'our baby is okay'. Because, now, I know that she's not here. There was a reason that we did not lose her that night. I keep reminding myself that there is a reason. I have know idea what it is. Why didn't we lose her that night?
I have so much more to say. So many conversations and posts can come out of that one question. Why didn't we lose her? In the end, we did. What happened to me and to those around me in those nine months? Who's heart did God touch through Layla? My question is not a question of "Poor me. Why did this happen to me?". I want to know the purpose. God's plan. What was He doing through this situation? Why didn't we lose her that night?
I pray that I will know why someday. I know that there is a reason. Everything happens for a reason.
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2 comments:
I have a granddaughter that is 5. When she was about 3 she started talking about her older sister (who had been born & lost at birth almost two years before she was born. One day she said..."Nana, do you know why Anna Bella is in Heaven?" "No"..I told her. "Well", she said..."when I was in Heaven before I was born there were babies up there...and there were Heaven babies and there were Earth babies. Earth babies get to be born but God keeps the Heaven babies and sometimes they come to Earth but they can't stay because they are Heaven babies. Did you know that, Nana"?
Well, as you probably know, I started to cry. She said- "Don't cry, Nana, Heaven babies are really happy cuz they are with God all the time."
Isn't that amazing? She still says things like that every once in a while.
Blessings to you and peace for your hurting heart- xo Diana
I'm still heartbroken for you all, but also so thankful that you are clinging to faith rather than running from it, as many may. I believe our babies were formed lovingly and intentionally, just the way they were. God ALWAYS has a plan. Praying you have peace through the rough days!
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